An Emotionally Needy Narcissist is an addict. He or she is addicted to fawning or doting behavior from others.
This kind of addict gets a 'fix' in one of two ways:
1. People
putting their lives on hold to focus on the ENN
(sacrificing time, energy, relational
needs, financial resources).
2. People
believing the ENN is a victim
(e.g. any new person who doesn’t know better, people
who benefit financially e.g. doctors and lawyers).
It is as real
as heroin addiction. It does what all addictions do: hurts those who care,
destroys relationships, and depletes resources.
How do we
respond in a healthy way to addicts we care about?
1.
We don’t enable.
Enabling,
while often done with a warm heart, takes away all motivation to change. As
long as people are enabling, an addict will not change. Helping is not the same
as enabling. Helping people guides them towards opportunities, realizing
everyone is responsible for making their own decisions and meeting their own
needs. Enabling takes away consequences for negative choices. We must let
people experience the consequences of their actions if they are ever going to
change.
2.
We set boundaries.
Deciding
what we will and won’t do ahead of time preserves our sanity. Deciding and
communicating what is unacceptable behavior or simply saying “no”, realizing
that all addicts will respond with manipulative behavior. The addict’s
manipulative words and behavior DO NOT define or describe who you are. It is
just the craziness of addiction.
3.
We show the way when the addict asks
for it.
Active addicts do not take
advice. They are cruel to those who give advice. ONLY when they ask for advice,
we show them opportunities, we don’t do it for them (enabling). Recovery and change
are the addict’s responsibility, not ours. We care by showing the opportunities
and affirming good decisions.
